We all know, marriage is a journey. Sometimes we're lost on a bumpy road, other times we're breezing down the highway - wind in our hair and a song in our heart. Sometimes it's as boring as a daily commute, other times as thrilling as a high speed chase in a blockbuster movie.
The most important thing about this journey is everyone, everyone, EVERYONE eventually breaks down. The question is do you view the journey as worth continuing or when hard times hit do you stick out your thumb and catch a ride to somewhere new?
As many of my readers know I had a first marriage. When I was 19 I married my high school sweetheart. No one wanted us to get married so young but as I thought, and often said, "We can always get divorced!" This flip attitude came from the moral values I had received from MTV and pop culture at large. The idea I was raised with from the greater culture was "Why suffer, just get a divorce if it's not working!"
This philosophy made sense to me, back in the days when I didn't question our self-obsessed culture. I didn't think twice about the fact that we're taught to worship ourselves and do whatever we want to please ourselves with no regard to our community or family. I thought naively that only my first husband and I were involved in our relationship but I found out otherwise when we eventually ended in divorce much to the pain of my in-laws.
Now let me say, at the time of the divorce I had changed my mind from my earlier attitude. To me divorce was no longer an option, I put family first but it was too late. My ex-husband had gone off the deep end with physical abuse, lies, stealing and addiction. Divorce however was an option for him and to be honest I relished the opportunity to get out of the abusive relationship.
Now that my current marriage has lasted as long as my first did I look back and reflect upon the attitude that sent my first husband and I on the path to destruction. We both considered divorce an option and were unwilling to work on any issues. We swept them under the carpet fine enough but that only works for a little while. The issues resurfaced in the abuse, lying, stealing, etc.
What if we had gone into our marriage knowing that divorce was not an option for us? Would things have been different? Would my ex-husband's issues surfaced in the destructive way they did? I have no idea of knowing. One thing I do know is that the path I took was given to me by our Heavenly Parents to teach me a valuable lesson so that when I met my soul mate, Seth, I wouldn't make the same mistakes, and thank Goddess I haven't.
So when IS divorce an option? Clearly in situations of physical and sexual abuse or addictions one or both partners are unwilling to work on are times when divorce should be a legitimate course of action. Those couples without children also have more space for divorce in my opinion. However we live in the day of quickie, no-fault divorces, or what I would call "petty excuse" divorces.
Things I do not consider reasons for divorce include; fighting/disagreeing, career differences, parenting differences, lifestyle choices, etc. I shutter to even think I have to mention it but let's not forget Newt Gingrich serving his wife with divorce papers when she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery. Illnesses of all sorts ARE hardships but are no reason to divorce.
We place too much value in our system of personal "freedoms." These "freedoms" are usually thinly veiled excuses for acting selfishly. How many times have you heard a woman express the need to "free" herself from her husband. To "find out who she is on her own." Women who leave their husbands for just about any reason are held up by
feminist extremists as heroes, women worthy of emulating and supporting.No person is an island. You are not just yourself, you are CONNECTED to your partner, your children, your in-laws, cousins, and parents. Many of these people along with your friends are linked through your marriage. When you divorce you are tearing more apart then just you and your partner.
Successful marriages are built on the "divorce is not an option" motto. Will Smith has been married for 10 years, an eternity in Hollywood. He explained in an interview recently,
"What I found is divorce just can't be an option," the actor explained. "It's really that simple. And I think that's the problem with L.A. – there are so many options. So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options"
Options are a problem in modern culture. Once upon a time we didn't have options like moving far away from extended family, spending all day "out and about" or numbing ourselves out of reality by watching 12 hours of TV per day. We had to stick around and stick it out. We had to learn to get a long with family and with our mates. We didn't have any other option. So why do we consider it an option now?
Mother Nature has set up most animals to mate at least as long as their offspring are dependent and many of Earth's creatures show us the beautiful example of mating for life including (but not limited to); Gibbon apes, barn owls, coyotes, wolves, beavers, some foxes, etc. Other animals, while not sexually monogamous (they are animals acting on instinct) will still pair off to provide a safe place to raise their young.
Since we are not animals acting on instinct anymore where do we look to for examples on how we should act in a marriage? Many cultures have wonderful examples, some of my favorite come from the Bible.
"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrong doing. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres." --1 Corinthians 13
It's all laid out in that one quote isn't it? Patience, kindness, no envy, no boasting, no pride, no rudeness, no self seeking, not ease to anger, forgiveness, trust, and hope all make a marriage (love) strong. Can you imagine if we all actually took these words to heart and practiced them everyday with our partners? Would there ever be a reason to divorce? I wonder.
The God of the Bible has not set up divorce as part of His plan. He says,
"So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate." --Mark 10:8-9
Let's stop and think about that "no human being" part for a second. In a marriage there are the two people married but also their family and friends. Are you separating a marriage of a friend or family member by encouraging them to divorce? When they email you or Facebook anger at their spouse do you poor fuel on their fire or do you reflect peace, harmony and a respect for marriage vows?
There's the old saying; it takes a village to raise a child. Equally it takes a village to support a healthy marriage. Be sure your words but more importantly your actions are supportive of the marriages around you.
"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth." --1 John 3:18
And most importantly do not speak, think or act to your spouse or anyone else in a
manner which considers divorce as an option. How wonderful and sweet your days of love will be when you have grown stronger by finding your way off those bumpy roads of marriage, together!
