This is the second post in a series I'm writing over the course of the next week on men and boys. These posts are aimed at gaining a deeper level of understanding for the men and boys in our lives and how our attitudes and actions affect the relationships we have with the our precious male people.
I welcome your feedback, questions and suggestions. If you would like to guest post on this series email me please at aylayoga at gmail dot com
Part 2 The Bridge
I use to think girls were easier to raise for one main reason, they have very distinct growth cycles that I can honor. Her change into womanhood and what she needed from me at that time would be more apparent than a it would be with a boy, I assumed. When I gave birth to my first son I wasn't sure when he would change or which mild stones of his life I should honor or how.
Don and Jeanne Elium in their book, Raising a Son; Parents and the Making of a Healthy Man relate the development of boys to crossing over a bridge. If boys make a healthy transition each time they will ripen fully into healthy manhood.
From Mom to Dad
When a baby boy is born he is in his mother's world, completely. She is his moon and his stars, his day and his night - his whole being is in her. Around age seven a boy begins to be ready to leave his mother's world and walk across his first bridge into the world of his father.
For the next seven years a boy should be learning about his father's world. Working side by side with him when at all possible. He will make his most important connection to his father during these years. He will be very interested in what Dad does for a living and he will be happiest when helping with that.
These are the best years for father-son fishing trips and father-son talks. A boy will hang on his father's every word and it is crucial that the father model the best possible behavior during this period in his son's life. This includes no drinking, no smoking, respecting Mom, being patient with siblings, etc.
Some good ideas for this time period include;
- The son going to work with Dad whenever and however possible. Even 10 minutes here and there can make a huge difference.
- On days off Dad should be spending at least 4-5 hours, straight, with his sons in this age group. Working on cars, building a soap box car, playing sports, playing board games, going to the movies, ice skating, golfing, attending worship services, etc.
- Dad should take the lead in instructing his son during this time. Dad should be the ultimate authority in the house. In order to get across his bridge that son must distance himself from his mother at this time and that usually takes the form of refusing her requests, talking back, being rude, or general mischief. Dad should guide the son lovingly to help the son and mom during this time.
- Once Dad has had some space to himself after work, if he is up for processing his day he should do so by talking with is son about the challenges he faced and how he handled them.
- Dad should be a respectable figure and a leader. What are Dad's strengths? Good coach? Good chess player? Good writer? Spiritual? During this time in the son's life Dad should lead a group or activity he enjoys such as volunteering at church, coaching sports, leading a men's book club, directing a chess club, etc.
- Mom should respect Dad. Mom should show a good example by giving her partner love, attention and respect. She should not harp on her husband's "faults" especially around her son. No man is perfect but a boy needs to respect his Dad during this time irregardless of grown up issues. That's not to say Mom should let Dad be abusive. We all can recognize the difference between kind devotion and a door mat.
From Dad to the World
When a boy reaches about 14 it is time for him to leave his father's world and walk across the bridge which leads into his community. He has now fully absorbed his father and mother's worlds, what he can learn from them and what he cannot. Now he must learn from his community.
This is the stage where friendships and family become crucial. The boy at this age needs mentors - karate instructors, Uncles, neighbors, etc. If they are not there and waiting a boy can fall into unhealthy mentoring situations such as gangs or simply "hanging out with the wrong crowd."
This is the classic time when both Mom and Dad "know nothing" according to their teenage son. That's OK, he's on a journey now to find out what truth means for him. You've given him a solid foundation, he will find his way.
Some ideas for this time period are;
- Have your son involved in clubs and events and be sure to try and make friends with the male leaders of these groups and events. One good example is boy scouts or spiral scouts.
- Dad should have some good male friends who make healthy role models. Dad should plan group activities with these friends and their children such as camping trips, monthly bowling night or white water rafting.
- If a boy is upset and wont talk to his parents find someone he would be willing to talk to. Perhaps an uncle, friend or neighbor.
- If a boy is especially upset find a good, male, counselor to work with your son.
- Arrange mentoring opportunities. Volunteer work is the best and it can revolve around a boy's interest such as the coast guard, fire department, boy scouts, chess club, a local CSA etc.
Raising boys today isn't easy. We can all take a look around and see this world failing our young men every day. The tribal lifestyle we once led included a natural rhythm where boys would learn all the skills they needed from the village men at the proper time -this no longer exists.
Nowadays we must seek out experiences to mimick this pattern within our own lifestyles so that our boys can grown up with the attention and skills they need to be happy, healthy, thriving adults. What greater gift can a parent give this world then a healthy man who will enrich and inspire the people around him?
