This is the first post in a series I'm writing over the course of the next week on men and boys. These posts are aimed at gaining a deeper level of understanding for the men and boys in our lives and how our attitudes and actions affect the relationships we have with the our precious male people.
I welcome your feedback, questions and suggestions. If you would like to guest post on this series email me please at aylayoga at gmail dot com
Part 1 - Allowing for Protection
Men have a need to protect. This is the male side of the nurturing coin. Women protect as well. We are fierce Mama Bears when it comes to our young but unlike women men don't protect simply to nurture those they love when called upon, no, they have a deep, passionate longing to protect something vulnerable nearly everyday. It is rooted in their DNA and in their soul. Their genes tell them, a good man, a successful man, protects that which is weaker, the woman and children.
So here is where modern life complicates matters. In the wild women are weaker, more at risk. In general we do not have the muscle mass of men and pregnancy and child bearing make it more difficult for us to flee from predators or fight off an attacking tribe.
Women today own their own homes with alarm systems. They are police women and soldiers. They have jobs, earn their own money and buy their own food. We no longer need men to protect us or our children and we act like it. So what then happens to this deep need men have to protect us?
My theory is the man whose biological and spiritual nature to protect is halted will do one of two things. The first option is to deattach. If he's not needed why should he even try? Men will separate themselves fully from the relationship they have with their wife and children in regards to care taking. He may think, if Ms. Supermom can do it all why is he even around? Here is where the deadbeat dad is born. He skips out mentally, emotionally, physically or all three because he cannot function naturally.
The second option is to find an enemy, any enemy. He MUST protect his family from something and if nothing exists then he must invent something. This is where Glenn Beck is born. Someone is an enemy hell-bent on destroying his family so it must be; Iraq, terrorists, illegal immigrants, homosexuals, Jews, atheists, socialism - any danger he can "see." He will lash out at this danger however he see fit.
We see these traits in our boys. Their all encompassing OBSESSION with guns and weapons of any kind. Their drive to fight and defend. We can tell our boys that guns are bad all we want but their body, mind and soul tells them different. It tells them guns are good. Guns get food, guns keep away enemies - guns good.
So what do we women do to hold space for this reality? We be weak. (I can hear you gasping). I'm not saying we need to be a princess in a tower completely and wholly dependent upon a man - no that's too unbalanced in the other direction. What I am saying is we need to make him feel like we need him.
We don't have to fain weakness either. We simply notice our own weaknesses and accept that part of the beauty of being in a relationship is that we help each other out. We allow our men to protect us. We remind them how much we need them whenever we can. Not in a clingy, desperate way, not in an "adding to his stress with our demands" kind of way but in a humble, appreciative way.
Here are some examples of things we can do with our husbands.
- Let him earn the money. I believe every woman should have a savings account for an emergency as well as a trade or education but especially if you have children together - let him earn the money and tell him how thankful you are that he does so.
- Cuddle up close to him in scary situations i.e. horror movies, camping at night, a dark street. Ask him to go into the house first to make sure it's OK when you come home late at night.
- When you're upset and fighting don't EVER tell him you don't need him. Don't tell him "I could get my own place and work for my Aunt So-in-so, I don't need you!"
- Recognize his attempts to protect you and encourage it. If he doesn't want you out passed midnight on your girls night out because he's afraid for you, respect that.
- Let him take the lead in situations of safety. If the car breaks down on the side of the road don't argue about the best plan of action. Let him take the reigns and decide how to proceed.
- The most important thing, really HONOR all of the above. Don't fold your arms and think inside sarcastically, "I'll let the 'big man' handle this one." No, actually be gracious inside as well as out because the human species would not be here if it wasn't for the protective abilities of men, and that's OK to acknowledge.
Here are some examples of how to honor the protective needs of our boys.
- Channel their fighting energy into "the good fight." Read stories about strong men who helped and saved others (fiction or non) with the strength of their muscles as well as their minds. Some good examples are; Dr. Martin Luther King, Robin Hood, Jesus, Krishna, Rowan of Rin (by Emily Rudd), George Washington, etc.
- Give them something to protect. Especially if they have no younger siblings to help out with, make sure they have a pet. Let them be especially involved in the protection of that pet such as building a cage or backyard play area.
- Get them out in the community protecting and defending the weak. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter. Sign older boys up for life guard training.
- Let them take some risks, let them feel in control. Once they are strong enough ask them to help you when you need it. I know a woman who went out walking a trail and dusk came quicker than she realized. She was frightened that there may be bob cats or bears out so she called her 16 year-old son on the phone and asked him to come to the trail and walk her home.
Life is about balance. Humans are meant to be in pairs, in families so that we can balance each other. Allow yourself to be protected and watch the beauty of your men unfold before you in a healthy expression of their deep selves.
