Receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost or
Stumbling and Fumbling into Membership
I went to church filled with hope and optimism. It was to be my first service as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latte-day Saints. I took careful care that morning to pick out my favorite sarong to wear and I kept the lavender flowers in my hair from my baptism the night before. I felt beautiful and at peace.
I entered the meeting house and found that due to us being a little later than normal, in addition to extra visitors for the fourth of July weekend, it was quite full. We ended up taking a seat on a bench on the side opposite the door and toward the front, which is my least favorite place to sit because I have two small boys who sometimes need to get up for a bathroom break or drink of water and I hate traipsing across the whole room.
We sat down in the bench by ourselves and I got out the church toy bag. As usual Nykki picked out a few Star Wars characters and Ronan began his nurse-a-thon. Then the bishop stood up.
“This morning we have some ward business and a few announcements.” he said.
“We have Sister such-in-such who had a new calling, we have a new member to confirm but first an announcement from the first Presidency.”
My chest tightened. Oh no, I thought that letter was supposed to be read last week I thought. The week we had the chicken pox. Oh no, they’re going to read it today? The day I’m being confirmed? Please, please, please let it be another letter, I pleaded in my head.
“As many of you know the courts here in California recently ruled that marriage….” I don’t even remember what he said after that. All of the sudden there was a ringing in my ears and tears in my eyes, not today – of all the days, not today. I wrestled for a moment. Here I was minutes from being confirmed a member - should I protest already? The answer was swift and clear in my head. The Spirit was telling me to walk out. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.
A quick glance around and I saw no one else was walking out. I firmly picked up the baby and grabbed Nykki’s arm. “Where leaving.” I said with more coolness than I felt.
“Why?” He asked, I could feel eyes start to turn our way.
“Come on.” I said. I took his hand and lifted my head and with shoulders back I begun the long walk out of the meetinghouse. I had to pass in front of nearly everyone due to our poorly chosen seat. My head was buzzing, my eyes welled with tears and my heart pounded so loudly I thought it would burst from my chest but I was clear headed enough to realize that the Spirit was guiding me, holding me up.
With a grace and poise I don’t master even when I try, let alone when I’m terrified, I managed to swiftly, and eloquently walk out of the meetinghouse. I sat in the hall and was vaguely aware of the letter being read over the speakers but I couldn’t tell you what it said.
It was over quickly and I didn’t want to miss my own confirmation so I quickly walked back into the room. Again I did the smooth walk to our bench where our toys and my purse still lay. I felt questioning eyes on me. I could almost hear the thoughts – was that intentional or was she taking the kids to the bathroom or something?
Only seconds later the bishop called my name and I walked to the front to receive my confirmation. Several men I adore from my ward stood over me and placed their hands on my head, forming a magickal circle of power handed down from our Heavenly Parents to Joseph Smith and down to these men. I should have felt the power, I should have felt the magick but other then feeling my crown chakra growing hot, I only felt the thudding of my heart, which had yet to cease from my walkout.
I wanted to break down in tears. The Goddess of Wisdom, Sophia, the Holy Ghost, the Holy Spirit was being gifted to me yet the whole thing was ruined by the First Presidency’s overstep into state politics.
I took my seat again and despite everything I managed to beam at the sound of “Sister Serenemoon.” I had made it. Despite having out right told my Missionaries, the Relief Society President, her first counselor and several members my stance on homosexuality – despite even the fact that I had just walked out in protest of a Presidency letter – they had let me in and I was there! I was a member! I was officially a ward witch!
The RS president took her moment of testimony to be thankful of the Lords direction and definition of marriage. Should I walk out again I wondered, but decided against it. I have to say though, she’s a quiet young and liberal RS president so I was truly disappointed in her position but not shocked.
I went to Gospel Principles class not feeling bad exactly but feeling a little off, like the Spirit just wasn’t there in the church today. It felt hallow somehow. Gospel Principles was normal until out of nowhere and the teacher went off about gay Mormons. They are so “sad” and so “deceived” she said. The letter read today was from the Lord, the word of the Lord, and the Lord did not approve of homosexuality. I sat stunned. The lesson had nothing to do with the letter or homosexuality and I watched a woman I adore like a grandmother turn into a spewing lizard. I felt so sick.
Right after her pronouncement the bell rang. Feeling dizzy I walked out of the room and took a long drink of water. I wanted to go home. I wanted to run from church for the first time ever and it was breaking my heart. I was so sure I was stronger than this. I new I was exactly where I was suppose to be yet it didn’t make it any easier. I thought about leaving but I knew I couldn’t miss my first RS meeting as a full member.
I walked into a happy, chattering room full of sweeping piano music. I took a seat and tried to get comfortable again, I couldn’t. I was still so shaken. I’m going to have to grow a defense for this, I thought, some way of letting it pass over me like a river so I can stand in this ward as a peaceful and ever present witness of Christ’s love for all people.
The first half of the meeting was a talk on the California wildfires – tips and so forth on avoiding our smoky skies. I still felt different but was just calming down when the first counselor, the woman who had just the night before been my closest ally at my baptism, stood up and began a talk on – what else – that damn letter!
Now I was sure I really was going to be sick. I just couldn’t handle anymore. Enough is enough it was taking over like a plague! I pulled a sleeping Ronan off my breast and he immediately responded with indignant rage. Cries of a boobless babe rang out complete with back spasms, writhing, twisting and intense sobs. I pretended to quite him but did not return the breast, which is what would have quieted him in a second flat.
Instead I let him have one more blood-curdling scream and I grabbed my things and left the room. Usually my son is quiet as a church mouse in RS and the timing I’m sure is suspicious to many – especially since instead of waiting in the hall I dashed to primary. I was suddenly frightened that they might be discussing “the Letter” with the children so I figured I better check.
I opened the door and told them I was sorry for interrupting but Nykki had to leave because his brother and I weren’t feeling well. Nykki, to my great surprise, had no complaint. He got up and left, placing his sweat, little 5 year-old palm in mine.
“How is brother sick?” he asked.
“I’ll tell you in the car.” I replied as I pushed the door open.
“Why?” he pushed.
“In the car.” I said again as we stepped into the bright, July, midday sun and headed for the parking lot.
The ride home consisted on a very long explanation on what it means to be gay and why it’s absolutely fine to be so and how mommy doesn’t agree with church about it and it made me so sad I felt sick.
“Well, then we should go to another church.” he said matter of factly.
“Well, it’s not that simple, I really believe our church is the truest church on earth. I don’t want to leave, Mommy just has a hard time with this issue.”
“Well, we can go to another church mom, as long as it has kids.” he stated.
I chuckled. Upon entering my house I fell into my adoring husbands arms (who was cleaning the house by the way, triple bonus points for the Atheist!!). He sat patiently and listened to me cry, complain, lament, rage – and pass through other stages of grief regarding the church.
At the end I laughed at the thought that I had started my first day on this earth as a full member of the LDS church this way and I knew that this was a trial of fire so to speak for me and the church.
“You still wanna go back?” he asked.
“Yes.” I said honestly. “Just give me a week to calm down. Then I’ll be ready to ride that horse again.”
