Today my little boy turns one year old!
How fast the year went! Buzzing by like a blur we are heading, fast-foward, into toddlerhood! Last night I dreamed I had 5 children. Nykki was 14, Ronan was 10 and I had a little girl about 8, a boy about 5 and a baby about 1. As Ronan gets bigger it reminds me that the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes and I wonder what changes are in store for my boy's second year.
My little baby, my Ronzie, Happy Birthday, we love you!
Ronan's Birth
I dreamed Ronan's birth in February of 2006 and conceived him that April. My dreams became my connection with my baby and he visited me regularly reassuring me every time I doubted my ability to grow and birth him with no medical assistance.
My pregnancy was fabulous. It was textbook perfect and, unlike my first pregnancy, I had vast amounts of energy. The day before I went into labor my partner Seth, our three-year-old son, Nykki, my girlfriend Liberty and her husband, Bryon, all went out on a shopping and dinner trip to Santa Rosa, the big city an hour drive from our wooded home. I happily carried Nykki piggy-back style through the market. As we giggled I mused at how great I felt despite the fact that I was going into my second week as "over due." Nykki had been nearly four weeks "over due" and my commitment to let him ripen in his own time had afforded me a great lesson in labor patience.
As I fell into our family bed that night, I took note of an odd sensation around my womb. It felt like a snake was slowly winding it's way from the base of my uterus up to the very top - squeezing gently as it passed. Just before dawn that next morning I got up to go to the bathroom. When I climbed back into bed I started having cramping sensations. I had been having practice labor and cramps for nearly two weeks but these particular ones seemed tweaked with magick. There was a stir in the early morning air, and a twinkle in my soul calling me to listen. So I lied in the bed and gave each type of contraction a name. The small cramps which stayed low at the bottom of my womb I called "butterflies". My cervix pulsed with a sensation called "lighting-swell" and the internal pressure that pressed down from inside felt good when I reminded myself not to fear it, so it became "orgasmic star dust".
As the first light of dawn peered through the blinds in our bedroom I sat and looked at a sleeping Seth. His sweet features, long lashes, and perfectly draped hair flowing passed his shoulders accented by the early morning light through the redwood trees, nearly made me cry. His whole being radiated with beauty from the inside out. He seemed highlighted by the sunlight of the day that I now knew our child would be born. Around 8 AM Seth woke up to find me gazing at him, I giggled, and explained that I thought I was in labor. He was anxious to help me out with my nipple stimulation (nipple stimulation is practiced in labor to speed contractions along and also to manage pain), which worked wonders throughout the whole labor, but unfortunately my uterine sensations had become too intense for the early labor, tantric sex, experience I had been looking forward to (sex in early labor has been shown to also speed the process and ease the pain). I should have woken him up earlier I thought - oh well, too late, here we go!
Nykki woke up soon thereafter and we all played around in bed, laughing, giggling, and tossing pillows. I started feeling dirty and greasy even though I had just bathed the night before, so I told Seth I was hopping in the shower. In the shower I noticed that my movement encouraged the contractions. I soaped up and scrubbed down, followed by a brisk rinse. I felt clean and refreshed.
Around 9-ish we all got up and went into the living room where Liberty and Bryon were just waking up. "I think I'm in labor!" I told them. Liberty grinned from ear to ear sweetly, she was ready to go! I didn't want any breakfast but Liberty made me some tea and I made sure to keep drinking water with Liberty's encouragement. I tried sitting on the birth ball for a little while but it wasn't enough movement - I craved more movement. So I wrapped up in a blanket, put on Liberty's slippers, grabbed the phone and went out for a walk in the front of the house.
The air was fresh and clean. The morning fog was lifting from the trees in the forest surrounding our home. The frost was melting from the branches, creating dripping noising surrounding me like rain even though the sky was clear, blue and sunny. I was so thankful to live in nature and I could feel it's powerful effect on my body - what a contrast from my first birth in Las Vegas! As I walked I called my spirit-mom in Las Vegas. "Are you in labor!?" she gasped as she picked up the phone. I was happy to tell her yes and explained the details up to that point. I then called my dad to let him know too. I tried to think of other people to call but I didn't know how long labor would last and I didn't want people calling me all day to check in.
After walking for a while I came back inside. My labor picked up and my varied contractions began to merge into one steady kind. I had Seth call my best friend, Cecily, who was a midwife for many years. I was planning on having her at the birth in the capacity of a friend. I didn't want her to come just yet but I wanted her to know that I was in labor. I began to feel less focused and couldn't talk through my contractions any more. I hung onto Seth during the rushes and Liberty brought me a rag with rose oil to smell. I spoke with Cecily briefly and she told me, "You're doing it!" It was just the gentle reminder I needed.
After some contractions on my hands and knees and standing with Seth and Liberty rubbing my back I soon found myself in transition and couldn't stand anymore. I lied on the bed with Seth behind me and Liberty in front of me. I focused on relaxing and letting go as much as possible. I felt my cervix expanding rapidly and I knew I was progressing fast but I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I tried to temper my excitement just in case my labor ended up being one of those 36-hour-kind a friend of mine had gone through.
Soon I was giving over to the pull of the pain and I gave up on thinking of them as "intense". Like Innana's descent into the underworld I felt stripped naked. I no longer cared how I looked, how I sounded, or what I did. I could see my legs, in my mind, stretched wide over a canon between our world and the underworld as I pulled my baby into this plane of existence. I was straddling the veils between the worlds and the power was overwhelming.
I slid down to the floor in front of the bed and leaned back against the side of the bed while still staying in a mostly upright position. I didn't want to complain but I was in pain and wanted to talk about it. I found myself dreading each contraction and therefore the time in between contractions was spent thinking about how I didn't want to have another one. I knew this wasn't going to help so I tried to relax and remind myself that the contractions were important and that I wanted to have more of them. I began to think "Half the pain, all the progress" with each contraction which helped remarkably but between contractions I still felt unfocused and incredibility indecisive. I felt like I wanted to change positions but I couldn't figure out which position and I worried that a new position would hurt more. Seth and Liberty made suggestions and asked if they should call Cecily.
I really wanted my best friend there however I knew if she came I would want her to take all the responsibility from me and make my descions for me. I wanted to give the power of the birth to her - and because that was the last thing I truly wanted I kept putting off calling her. My pants were off at this point and we put towels down on the floor underneath me. I had to pee but knew I wouldn't make it to the bathroom so Liberty brought me the insert from Nykki's potty chair and I peed in that. I was cold so we put a blanket on my legs. I reached down and felt my vagina, it was wet and flushed and I just wanted the baby to come down soon.
At this point my body started pushing with the contractions. I waited to push along with it because I wanted to be sure I was really needing to push. After a few more contractions I felt a "bowling ball between my legs" sensation and I knew he was coming down the birth canal. With one contraction my water gushed forth, a river from my loins like a water Goddess - it was clear and beautiful and full of little chunks of white vernix. I was so excited! I knew labor would be over soon and I could hold my baby! Thank Goddess!
I remember making some sort of comment to Seth and Liberty like "I love you guys!" I pushed hard and felt the biggest pop of my life. I knew the head was out. I yelled out "I love that feeling!" I asked Liberty for a sip of water because suddenly I felt dehydrated. After the sip I felt another contraction coming on. I couldn't really bend over in the position I was in and I didn't think I could push and catch him at the same time. "It's coming out, somebody catch it!" I said and pushed again. Slip, slimy, bump - and the body was out!
Liberty and Seth both caught him and I reached down right away and scooped him up. As I brought him to my chest Liberty called out, "It's a boy!" He was wet and slippery and I held him close. I kept saying over and over, "He's so perfect, he's perfect!" He was bright eyed and a good pink color. He was alert and looking around and breathing great right off the bat. After half a minute or so he cried out for a few seconds which brought Nykki and Bryon from the other room. Nykki glanced over at the baby and seemed sort of unimpressed - we had watched so many birth videos and read so many birth books he was fully aware of what was coming.
"He's cold we need a blanket!" I called out and Seth handed me one that was lying next to him on the floor. I wrapped the baby in it and Seth came around to the side of me for a closer look. "So, this is Ronan?" I asked Seth, because we hadn't quite decided on a finale name but Ronan was on the top of our list. Seth took a look at him and said, "Yes." with a smile. After a few minutes of admiring our son, Seth and Liberty helped me up on the bed propping me on tons of pillows.
Seth made some phone calls, Cecily came down with a basket of munchies and congratulations. It was great to see her. Her bright smile and cheery voice was very welcome in our moment of joy. Bryon and Liberty went out for a walk, and Seth and I lied in the bed with Ronan while Nykki finished his movie in the bedroom. I was having really intense after-shock contractions and the urge to push which I knew was the placenta. I was too flat on my back for it to come down easily so I decided to go ahead and cut the cord even though I had planned on cutting it after the placenta was delivered.
Seth went in the bathroom and found some floss and our scissors. We tied it off and cut it. I remember thinking, that was it - I was officially no longer pregnant at that moment. I handed Ronan to Seth but before I could get up there was a knock at the door. It was Brian, our next door neighbor, who was popping by for a casual visit. We yelled for him to come in and I'll never forget the look on his face when he stepped through the door to see us lying there with a new baby. He was shocked that I had just had the baby and he didn't hear me scream. That's when I realized that I hadn't much screamed - in fact, I had mostly just grunted and growled loudly when I pushed him out. I hadn't called out in fear like I had in my first labor.
After Brian left and Bryon and Liberty were back I crawled onto the floor and pushed with some of the aftershocks and delivered the placenta approximately two hours after the birth. It slipped out fast and missed the towels so we ended up with a huge blood stain on the carpet! It came out easily with some hydrogen peroxide.
After his movie was over Nykki began to show more interest in Ronan and by the end of the night he was saying he was so excited to have a brother and wanted to hold him all the time. I wasn't sure how he would take having a new baby around but it seemed his big brother instincts kicked in naturally and he wanted to help out with the baby and still does.
I was walking on air after Ronan's birth. Empowering is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days but there is truly nothing more empowering then growing and birthing my baby completely on my own with no medical help. Guided by my dreams, intuition and natural instincts I was able to bring another, perfect person, into this world totally on my own. There is nothing more powerful than birthing new life into this world- and to do it on my own was the ultimate in personal power. I now know that I can do anything as long as I trust myself and nature to manifest perfection.
Me, one week before Ronan's birth
