It seems incomprehensible to me - the lives of my children.
My love for them swells from a place deep inside me that, at their birth, enveloped me and became me. I am the love I feel for them.
Every second of everyday my children are alive. They take in breath, their hearts beat and they are whole. Can I ever truly appreciate their existence? Is it even comprehensible? No, not really. The grace, beauty and majesty of life - certainly the complex life that is the mind, body and spirit of my children is so large I cannot begin to take it all in.
I can manage only small bites. A breath of hair, a kiss of cheek, a perfect warm moment that I wrap my arms around greedily, trying to keep it, clutching it desperately, willing it to stay but it doesn't. It can't. You can feel it in the moment but then it slips away and as the next moment takes over, the present is all that is real - the past and future are nothing but allusions.
I want to own them, my children, for all eternity. I want to be with them always and take them with me somehow in whatever awaits us all after this life, not just their spirits because I know we'll be together for time in eternity but I want to take Ronan's sweet, one-year-old, cheeks and Nykki's freckles with me.
I can't imagine my world without these things.
But there it is - Ronan's cheeks are in the here and now along with Nyk's freckles and that's how it is.
Ronan choked today on a large sequin that somehow got from the closet to our living room.
He sucked and cried and turned blue.
His eyes rolled back in his head and I thought I was losing my baby.
Seth was on the phone to 911 but I knew we were too far away for them to come in time.
I could feel the sequin but if I tried to get it I would push it back further.
Precious seconds ticked by and I knew our fate lay entirely on Ronan's ability to cough it up himself within the next few seconds before he passed out.
With a vomitous response, out it came.
I was shaking so hard all I could do was watch his face return to the normal color and cry.
He clutched to me scared and I listened gratefully to his chest rise and fall in full breath. After a few minutes he got down and played, as if nothing happened. I sat down on the floor shakily and cried.
The glory of my children's life is incomprehensible and my limited ability to keep death away should it chose to take them is numbing. All I can do is thank Heavenly Mother and Father over and over again for the circumstances that saved the life of my child today.
Blessings
