Sadly for Republicans and their amen corner, the Nobels are humanitarian awards which generally recognize contributions to, well, humanity. Given that almost insurmountable barrier for right-wing aspirants, a little affirmative action is in order.
Here, then, are the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Conservatives:
Literature: Sarah Palin. The former Alaska Governor is the first two-time winner in the history of the Righties literature prize. The Committee honored Palin for the lyrical imagery of her poignant farewell speech, which described "Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun" and the "ice fogged frigid beauty" which splits "the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs." With her book Going Rogue due out next month, Palin is an early favorite for an unprecedented three-peat.
Medicine: Mitch McConnell, George Bush, Tom Delay and Paul Broun. This quartet of Republican leaders past and present garnered the Nobel for medicine for their discovery of the solution to the crisis of the American health system: the emergency room. It was President Bush who first stumbled upon the answer with his July 2007 eureka moment, "I mean, people have access to health care in America. After all, you just go to an emergency room." His findings were confirmed that November by the disgraced former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who announced, "There are 47 million people who don't have health insurance, but no American is denied health care in America." In July 2009, Kentucky Senator and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell followed suit, "Well, they don't go without health care." Rep. Broun (R-GA) was a last minute addition to the honor roll with his statement last week that "people who have depression, who have chronic diseases in this country...can always get care in this country by going to the emergency room."
Physics: Michael Steele and Sarah Palin. Steele and Palin were recognized separately for their applications of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle in which a phenomenon being observed changes by the act of observation. The Nobel committee cited Steele for his work on Medicare, the insurance program for 46 million Americans which the RNC chairman said his party would - and would not - cut. Palin also won the award for similarly displaying two positions at once. Staying in office, she said announcing her resignation as Governor, was "a quitter's way out." And prior to her pay day in Hong Kong and news of her upcoming multimillion dollar memoir, Palin said, "It's all for Alaska."
Chemistry: Glenn Beck. The Fox News host earned Nobel honors for his groundbreaking work in chemistry. Beck discovered that mixing tea bags with hallucinogens not only produces delusions, but a powerful national political movement. Despite being demonstrably wrong about everything from taxes and Medicare to death panels and birth certificates and so much more, Beck's rag tag army of Birthers, Birchers, Deathers and Tea Baggers is nonetheless taken seriously.
Peace: Mark Sanford. In the closest vote of the 2009 Nobel season, the South Carolina governor edged Senator John McCain. While the committee praised McCain's past call to "bomb bomb Iran" and his 2008 proclamation that "we are all Georgians" despite Tbilisi's role in fomenting conflict with Russia, Sanford ultimately won the award for improving relations with South America.
Economics: George W. Bush. The 43rd president garnered accolades for his work in econometrics. His Absolute Value Theory of the Economy argued that without all the minus signs, the staggering declines during his tenure in employment, GDP, the stock market, health insurance coverage and so much more - the worse of any president since Herbert Hoover - constituted an impressive performance that will be lauded by future historians.
(Here are the award winners for 2007 and 2008.)
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Armed Services Committee Chairman Ike Skelton, D-Mo., had just finished addressing his Republican colleague Todd Akin Thursday.
Skelton then turned to the side and muttered "stick it up your ass."
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...the military's tolerance of KBR misconduct was aptly illustrated in May, when a congressional investigation found that the army paid the contractor $80 million in bonuses for the very work that had killed soldiers like the green beret. The pentagon also eventually gave bonuses to KBR for its work at Qarmat Ali—even though the facility was not fully restored until 2006, three years past the army's original deadline.
Recently, there has been a "business backlash" against the U.S. Chamber of Commerce for its extreme global-warming denier views. Businesses, fed up with the Chamber's resistance to taking any sort of action to curb carbon emissions, have been leaving the business federation one after another. In the past month alone, Pacific Gas & Energy, Exelon, Public Service Company of New Mexico, and Apple have left the U.S. Chamber of Commerce over its extreme views on climate change.
Yesterday, during a solar energy event at the National Mall, Energy Secretary Steven Chu was asked by a Reuters reporter what he thought about the exodus of businesses from the Chamber. He replied by telling the reporter that he thinks it's "wonderful" that companies are leaving. Listen here.
The Chamber has responded to the business exodus with scorn. After the flight of the most recent company, Apple, U.S. Chamber of Commerce President Tom Donohue bitterly responded, "It is unfortunate that your company didn't take the time to understand the Chamber's position on climate and forfeited the opportunity to advance a 21st century approach to climate change."
And yet, predictably, a lot of the banks and big financial firms don't like the idea of a consumer agency very much. In fact, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce is spending millions on an ad campaign to kill it. You might have seen some of these ads -- the ones that claim that local butchers and other small businesses somehow will be harmed by this agency. This is, of course, completely false -- and we've made clear that only businesses that offer financial services would be affected by this agency. I don't know how many of your butchers are offering financial services.
Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize for his "extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples" and his "emphasis on the role that the United Nations and other international institutions can play." In crushing Iran like a bug, for example. And for his "outreach" to the Muslim world. For example, he has ordered bombing in at least four Muslim countries. Really, what's the maximum number of countries in which you can kill people and still win this prize?
CONTEST: What should Obama do with the 10 million kronor prize money?
(Update: Fafblog: "In other news, the Nobel Prize for Literature was awarded to a man who set fire to a library and then promised to write a book about it.")
(Updatier: Evidently Obama plans to give it to charity. Actually, I had assumed ethics rules prohibited him accepting a large cash prize related to his official work. Certainly they should do so.)
